10 Things I Don’t Want You to Know About Me

I have a confession. After I posted my “Do Not Be A Perfect Mom” post last October, I noticed that somebody I don’t know commented on it in a Facebook thread and a) said that I would drive her crazy and b) expressed her disgust that I have already killed my then six-year-old’s spirit.

I guess I should feel happy that people other than my friends and family are reading my blog. But I have to be honest. That hurt.

The truth is – I drive myself crazy. I’m well aware of the fact that I’m unintentionally messing up my daughter by my example. That is why I’m trying to do something about it. My hope is that other moms will read something here on this blog and maybe not get sucked into trying to be “perfect” moms either.

I think that people who make (or think) comments like this person did don’t realize that just because you tend to be perfectionistic at times doesn’t mean that you think you’re perfect. Far from it. Deep down, a perfectionist is so afraid of being judged that they try to do everything perfectly so there can be no room for criticism and then suffer from anxiety and sometimes depression when they realize they simply cannot measure up.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Do one thing every day that scares you.”  And for a perfectionist, the fear of being found out to be imperfect is at the top of the list. Well, I might not be ready for something scary every day (although committing to 30 posts in 30 days for NaBloPoMo probably qualifies on a certain level).

However, I am ready to do one thing that scares me today.

With that in mind, here is a list of 10 things I would rather keep to myself, but in the interest of being brave and facing the truth head-on, I am sharing with the world.

1. This is my face, blogging world. This is what I look like.  And I might take it down after an hour or two, so get a good look while you can. 🙂
   
2. I have a messy house, pretty much all the time. I was going to post a picture of that too, but it’s just too, too scary. Just trust me. You probably think your house is messy, but unless you’re a hoarder, mine is worse. I secretly hope that people who come over and see it messy think that they just caught me on a bad day. But it’s like this almost all the time.
3. I voted for Obama in 2008. I voted for Romney in 2012. (There, that ought to irk somebody.)
4. I recently discovered that, much to my audiophile husband’s chagrin, I like Night Ranger. I also like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
5. Sometimes I stay in the same pajamas for days.
6. I have an English degree, yet only a handful of the books in my house are ones I’ve actually read all the way through. I used Cliff’s Notes all the time to get through college.
7. I love to dance, but I haven’t danced in front of anyone but my kids for years and years. Not even my husband.
8. I’ve been on some kind of welfare assistance more than once in my life, both as a child and as an adult.
9. I have a really hard time finishing things. I leave things half-way done all the time. And on that note…
10. I think nine things is quite enough. 🙂

Some of you will read this list and judge me for one or more items on it. Some of you will think I’m annoying. Some of you will not understand my sense of humor (or even see that I have one). People will make assumptions about me based on this list, and they may or may not be true.

And you know what else? Some of you will love me for my list. Some of you will be okay with my imperfections and idiosyncrasies because you will see them in yourselves.

I’ve struggled with the idea of being okay with imperfections because for me, it tends to make me think that I don’t need to try anymore if it’s okay to be crappy. But I’m realizing more and more that I need to embrace my imperfections and just let them be. It doesn’t mean I should settle for mediocrity, but it does mean that I should stop hiding my true self from everyone.

So there you have it. A list of imperfections. What you do with this list is up to you. What I’m going to do with this list (and whatever you think about it) is let it be.

— The Conscious Mom