I have a confession to make. The reason I haven’t been blogging in the last month (or more) is not because I haven’t had time (although it seems like a really good excuse). I could have found time if I had really wanted to. In fact, I did find time on a few occasions, but every time I sat down to write, I was paralyzed by writer’s block.
And in pondering about said writer’s block, I have come to the conclusion that writer’s block is just a euphemism for “fear.”
The reason I couldn’t think of anything to say was because I was afraid that the things I could think of to say were too lame to put out there for everyone to see. And every few days I would have a small insight into one thing or another, but this negative voice inside me said, “That? You call that an insight? You’re so lame.”
I know, I know. It’s one of those things I should have just immediately crossed out with my giant imaginary Sharpie. But I didn’t. I just let it fester and grow into more than a month of not writing anything. Now THAT is lame.
So here it is, whether you like it or not. My most recent insight. Or maybe I can’t call it my own insight, but an insight I stumbled across and wanted to share with you.
Years ago, I had my handwriting analyzed, and part of the final report said that I was “possibly immature.” I don’t know about you, but if someone calls me immature, it immediately conjures up defensive feelings. (And makes me want to respond with, “I know you are, but what am I?” You gotta love that classic Pee-Wee Herman scene.)
Since then, I have tried to be aware of ways that I may be acting immature. And I certainly have been able to find some. However, several days ago, I was reading The Dhammapada (translated for the modern reader by Eknath Easwaran), and I read the most wonderfully freeing thing! There is a section called “The Immature,” and now that you’ve read the above paragraph, you know why it piqued my interest.
The introduction to this chapter provided some great clarification. Easwaran tells the reader that the title of the chapter is usually translated as “The Fool,” but that he decided to translate it as “The Immature” because bala can mean not only “fool” but “child.” He says, “A fool’s behavior is not likely to improve, but a child is simply immature; given time and experience, he will grow up.”
I love the thought of being immature as meaning simply, “not fully matured … yet.”
It made me think of the scripture in Matthew 18 where it says, “…except ye become … as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.” I’ve always thought that becoming like a child meant more that you have to be submissive and meek and trusting in your relationship with God, the Father of your spirit. And that is definitely part of it.
But I love this new nuance of meaning that if we embrace wherever we are on our journey, acknowledging to ourselves that we are, in fact, “not fully matured” (even if we’re 90), then we are free to move forward without guilt for not being farther ahead than we are. We just are where we are. And then we can just acknowledge it and move on from there.
It’s like Socrates said, “The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing.” (Before you become too impressed with me and my knowledge of Greek philosophy, I’ll have you know that the only reason I know this quote … if this is even the exact quote … is because of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.) 🙂
Once we become conscious of where we truly are in our journey and we just accept that this is where we are, then we are actually opening up our minds to receive more information and opening up our spirits to experience more growth. And THAT is how we can continue moving forward on our path toward wisdom.
So this is where I am. I’m immature. In ways. I know that I have A LOT more to learn, and sometimes I act like a little child who is too scared to go to the first day of school. For today, I’m just going to own that. Today, I acknowledge that even though my body is feeling anything but youthful, that spiritually speaking, I am a child. Given enough time and experience, I will grow up.